1.1

I saw "Wanted" with Angelina Jolie and that new kid that is NOT Shia LeBoeuf but was probably contested with him in getting the role.  LOVED it.  I was really surprised that it was worth more than really good action (which I had planned for)...I'm glad I saw it and plan to buy it...probably.

It made me think about my life in a constructively critical way which almost always falls under the category of "good art" in my opinion. The final line of the movie (sorry) is "What the fuck have you done lately?" delivered with the sour tang you would expect.  And as ineffective as that may sound, it was perfect.  And I actually tried to answer the question in my head, too.  But before I could answer I felt even more compelled to look forward rather than back.  And I felt a really genuine drive to make something of my near future.  Not near as in that night...more like the next few months? Years? The summer maybe?

I was excited that some random ass movie could do that to me.  I love that and it doesn't happen as often as I'd like.  I liked it even more because I definitely wasn't expecting it.  That movie in conjunction with life got me riled up to the point that I was near tears on the train.  This was my thought process as I sat next to a young gentleman about my own age going uptown on the 1 around 12am...

He has a tattoo on his inner forearm with "In Memory of Mama" on it.  He looks no older than 24.  That's tragic to think his mother may be dead and he's only 24 or so.  I wish I could ask him about it.  I would love to hear him tell me something personal.  I don't even know him but I would really really like to have a personal, quick moment or interaction with him.  

There's some random kid across from us that's harrasing some other girl, looks my age, pretty, tall, Russian.  She is so not into him.  He won't stop.  (this kid doesn't actually stop ever...he's still trying to come on to her 7 stops later when I get off) I know she's not into him...I wouldn't be either.  And it's not him, but it's just the approach.  He's like a horse with those blinders on.  And I don't even know if HE really knows what he wants.

I have a feeling that this guy next to me wouldn't mind speaking to me.  I wouldn't mind speaking to him.  I think I have it in me to say hello.  The guy across from me is talking to the perfect Russian stranger...why can't I talk to my stranger?  I could even set it up like this--"Hi...I noticed your tattoo.  I really like it.  *bashful laugh* Sorry to be random, but I figured if that guy's going to strike up conversation why shouldn't I? *laugh*"  

I would go on to think that same thing about 4 more times.  I didn't speak to him.  I eventually moved into apathy.  Then walking home from my train stop I wrote this chorus for a future song...

I think I have bigger things in me than what comes out.

I think God has bigger plans for me than I allow.

If I'm lonely does that make me weak?  I couldn't say.

I am hoping for a brighter week.  Fuck a brighter day.